Songs of Jesse Moments

The best words of advice I ever read on loss was that grief doesn't go away, it just changes. Those few words summed up how I felt after the first year of Jesse's passing and the years that have followed. It's always amazed me how certain everyday things can bring about a sudden burst of emotion or a memory that can either make an otherwise normal mood either happy or turn on the waterfall of tears. Then there's songs...songs that bring back memories words cannot describe.

Yesterday at church, Relief Society ended with the hymn As I Have Loved You.  I chose that as the closing hymn at Jesse's funeral because he had such a big, loving heart.

I still can't sing that song.

Last night, at Maiya's baptism preview, they sang Families Can Be Together Forever. Memories of me, my siblings and cousins singing that song in front of the congregation at my Grandpa Fonoimoana's funeral still linger in my mind. That was fifteen years ago. The thought had come to me to include that song at Jesse's funeral, but I couldn't. At the time I don't think I wanted to face the reality that he was gone and that I would have to rely on my faith to see him again. A weird thought, but thoughts get a little weird when you suddenly lose a loved one. There's days it doesn't seem he's far away; I feel I just haven't seen or talked to him for awhile. Then there's days that I look to when I'm old and wrinkly and I'm closer to seeing him than I am now - and I get both sad and excited. Sad of all the memories I won't have with him; excited because I'll get to see him. And that is when I continue to believe that thoughts still get a little weird when you've lost a loved one. Grief doesn't go away, it just changes.

I sit here thinking about Jesse. Selfishly I wish he were here because I want to call him and banter back and forth in the Budweiser-commercial voice he did so well, "Whaaaaaassuuuuuuup?" And laugh. And turn the phone over to Kiana so she can sing You Are My Sunshine and he can put it on speaker so his co-workers can get a smile too...and laugh some more. Moments frozen in time.

Kiana sang the first verse at Jesse's funeral. In front of everyone. Then the audience joined in. The memory of the entire congregation singing, "You'll never know, dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away...But then I woke up, I was mistaken, and I hung my head and cried." brings back such precious memories and feelings I haven't felt since.

Jesse loved R&B music. It took me years - years - after he passed for me to listen to one of his signature tunes. Oh, he'd crank that up and we'd all laugh, dancing around, or driving down the road, and he'd replay it again - Player's Holiday. I'll still only play that song a certain time of year. His birthday.

There are other songs that I turn to for what I call "Jesse Moments". When I really miss him. Like today. There's one that gets me every time, Who You'd Be Today, by Kenny Chesney. I can't describe it, one who has lost a loved one feels it in their heart. There's nothing to say. Grief doesn't go away, it just changes.

I left a little message on Flintofts. I don't know why. I just do:
Sunny days seem to hurt the most...I feel you everywhere I go...see your smile...hear you laughing in the rain...no one can take your place. Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today. But I think that every day. Every day. And every day I'm grateful for the memories I have of you. That I was blessed to be your sister on earth. That we are a family forever. That whenever I hug my kiddos, especially cheerful Maiya, it's like a little bit of you. That that last hug - one of the most precious memories I carry - was accompanied with, "Don't cry. We'll see each other soon." I know I'll see you again. Someday.  xoxo

I have a great life.
But also look forward to the promise of Someday.