Kiana has been friends with A since the 3rd grade. A has spent many sleepovers and events at both our old home and new home, and they have a lot of fun, silly, troublesome memories together. She and her sisters have been through a lot. Her family has been through a lot. I think we all have things from our growing up, past, and experiences that make us who we are. I also believe that family is the most important thing to children - young and old - and the influences of those you love the most have the most significant effect on you.
She was scared. Who wouldn't be?
She had no 'home'. In a literal and physical sense. She had supportive grandparents who doted on her and offered her an abundance of love and would have welcomed her in in a heartbeat. Her two younger sisters were already living with one grandma. All the girls wanted was their mom. 100%. Who wouldn't?
I shared with A that I understood her pain. I don't have a mom in my life. She made certain choices and hasn't been a part of mine or my siblings lives for over 20 years. No one ever plans on that. No child at least...but that's another story.
Long story short...last summer the start of the school year was just around the corner. One day Kiana and A said they had a question for me: Could A live with us? A family council was held and we talked with each child individually. We discussed pros/cons and gave them 2 days to think about this - it was a family decision. At the 2-day mark we again talked with each of the children individually and asked them to share their pros/cons. They had given this some serious thought and shared freely of them. My heart was deeply touched. Ethan's first words will forever ring in my heart,"I prayed about it. I think we can help A do better at school because that's important, and I think our family can be good for A." Maiya's only concern was,"A and Kiana are mean ta me!" Siblings - and their friends - have that effect, and we understood her feelings. But even Maiya wanted A to have a place to live, a good school and people to help her. I'm so grateful my children have that compassion.
We were straight up with A. We told her both pros/cons of the meeting and she agreed they were valid. She wanted a home, structure and to do better in school. She wanted a chance and we were willing to give that to her. She agreed to our terms: keep room clean, do chores, homework and be respectful. We were pretty clear on everything, especially that we had rules - and FUN - which was something she wasn't used to. She had her family and in no way would we try to replace that, and she would be looked at as a member of ours.
Her sweet grandpa brought over her belongings in 2 garbage bags. That's it. That's all she had. All of her worldly possessions were in those 2 garbage bags. I'm not sure how many 13 year-olds have things routinely stolen from their room, or wonder who may be staying in their bedroom while they are gone, if food will be in the house, among other things. Gratefully, I had randomly picked up a bedding set the day before just to see what it looked like. Kiana had said she liked turquoise. I'm glad I listened to that urging because it was there to welcome her. Stuart caught her opening and closing each drawer slowly that day - she had been very scared about having her old one not stolen and made sure grandpa picked that up just in case.
She had her own room. She had dinner with us at 6:00 each night. She had a bedtime! She would come to family prayer each night, and sometimes let me hug her. The year before I'd bought pizza a few times because the girls were alone until quite late. She went to school - everyday - on time! She made her bed, kept her room clean, washed dishes on her "day", did homework and helped out. Things were going well... yet, after time, old habits tend to creep in. We fought about the homework first, play second concept. We'd remind her no food outside the kitchen, cuz moldy drinks are just gross! (Teenagers! Ha!) Tardies. Drama. We 'lost' A a few times throughout the year. Most poignant when mom came into the picture, like a reset button and trying to catch a feather in the wind. We got it. A wanted mom in her life 100% despite broken promises. We dealt with it. We had rules and clear expectations, life was easier without them. I'd spent a ridiculous amount of hours getting her services she needed, and things were supposed to keep getting better. But, mom and our visions of 'how' to do best by A didn't align in the reality world and we were losing the willing A who wanted a better life. She would always follow mom, and we would always be looked at as the bad guys. This past weekend I gave a choice to mom: simply do homework for the quarter end or this agreement was done. I laid it all on the line, all the services A was getting, the upcoming dance recital, all of it. A's teachers had worked so hard and teaching respect to their efforts was foremost. Mom chose. The crazy part is how little work really needed to be done, but choices have consequences. A is leaving our home.
We dealt with things a lot of parents of teenagers deal with. Heck, our own kids need a kick in the butt sometimes! The only thing different is that she was not our child. She was a child wanting to be with her parent.
The tears started yesterday. Although there's been frustration, my heart hurts for her. For her future. For her potential. She CAN be successful. She should not settle. She should not be surrounded by those who think she won't perform academically despite what school they go to! She earned A's and B's - I saw it - and then she'd slack off, but it's because she hadn't been taught. There were so many things not her fault.
There's many things I learned from this:
1. Prayers are answered. We pray as a family for opportunities to serve, and this came along.
2. There are amazingly good people in the world. Her teachers, counselor and vice principal were the best of the best. I want to hug each one of them! They totally went above and beyond to help A.
3. There are not-so-nice people in the world. Kinda weird getting nasty opinions from others who have problems with their own kids who are the meanies and in the principals office for bullying. Contrast their near month at a vacation home vs A showing up with 2 garbage bags at our door...yeah.
4. If someone chooses to be offended by the choices our family makes, that's their problem.
5. Kids will believe what you tell them. Always make sure you tell kids positive things!
6. A former Falcon Ridge Elementary principal once said, "There's no such thing as bad kids, just bad decisions." I've always remembered that.
7. Compassion is real. Man, is it real.
8. Life isn't fair. Sometimes things happen to you that you have no control over...
9. You can change things. YOU have the power to make decisions for yourself and be successful.
10. Sometimes things don't work out as planned.
This experience has made me want to be a better mom. I want my kids to know how much I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE THEM!!! It's taught me a lot of patience - ALOT! It's taught me to be a better listener, to compliment more, notice the little things, be appreciative. It's taught me that some people do the best by what they know. It's strengthened my belief that families are the most central part of society and the core of each person. I truly believe that! Families are important!
So, although it didn't work out as we'd planned, we believe in 2nd chances. Should A have a change of heart, our home is open.
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